Andy Valvur

Kerry and Lavrov: The London Sessions (Secret Transcript)

Kerry: Hello, Sergey. How are you?

Lavrov: Good, John. You?

Kerry: Fine, fine. How was your flight?

Lavrov: Nice. It’s a short hop from Moscow. You know, John, I’ve always wanted to ask you: Do you have a bed on your plane?

Kerry: Not just a bed. There’s a bedroom and a full bathroom with a shower.

Lavrov: Ah, that’s why you always look so fresh.

Kerry: Yes, but I gotta tell ya, Sergey, I’m tired. I’m always jet-lagged.

Lavrov: Too bad you don’t get miles.

[Both laugh.]

Kerry: I don’t need miles, Sergey. I’m worth $300 million. I could buy my own plane.

Lavrov: [Sighs.] It is so important to marry well.

Kerry: So, Sergey, what are we going to do? Are you guys really going to annex Crimea? And you know, you’re not fooling anyone with the “they aren’t Russian troops” bit.

Lavrov: Look, if it were up to me, the Russian troops would be back in their barracks already. But it’s the big guy. He has his heart set on it. You know, “place in history,” blah, blah, blah.

Kerry: I understand. But you gotta know he is making folks nervous.

Lavrov: He’s making me nervous. Look, this is a guy who never misses an opportunity to take his shirt off in public.

Kerry: Can’t you talk to him?

Lavrov: I’ve tried. He won’t listen. What will Obama do?

Kerry: I don’t know. He’s getting a lot of pressure from the hardliners.

Lavrov: Can’t you just put them in jail? Trumped-up charges? Corruption? Works for us.

Kerry: [Sighs.] Sometimes I wish our system were more like yours. It would make life so easy.

Lavrov: Seriously, though, you wouldn’t send troops, would you?

Kerry: Sergey, we both know that we’re spread a little thin. It depends on the American public.

Lavrov: No offense, John, but the American public couldn’t find Crimea on a map if they were selling big-screen TVs for a dollar.

Kerry: I know, I know. Look we probably wouldn’t send troops, but if the Europeans decide to do something, then we’d have to support them. Your boss is scaring them. You know it brings back a lot of memories: the communist menace, Russian adventurism.

Lavrov: John, that was over 20 years ago. We’re capitalists now. Speaking of which, thanks for talking to Cameron. The oligarchs and mob bosses are really on our backs about making sure they have access to their cash in London.

Kerry: My pleasure. Tell them not to worry. So what are you doing for dinner tonight?

Lavrov: Not sure.

Kerry: I heard about this great new Italian place in Chelsea.

Lavrov: Enricos?

Kerry: Yeah, that’s the place. I hear their tiramisu is fantastic.

Lavrov: It is. So where do you want to meet next time?

Kerry: Wanna do Geneva again?

Lavrov: We just did Geneva.

Kerry: Right. How about Berlin?

Lavrov: And spend more time with Angela? No, thanks. How about Istanbul? I know this little place that serves the best baklava.

Kerry: Sounds good. OK, the press is waiting. What are we going tell them?

Lavrov: Shall we go with the usual “constructive dialogue”?

Kerry: Didn’t we use that last week?

Lavrov: No, I think we went with “frank exchange of views.”

Kerry: You’re right. Sorry. It’s the jet lag. OK, then. Game face on?

Lavrov: Let’s do it.

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The UN: A Hard Day’s Nyet

So 100 nations came together this week at the UN and said that the referendum that led to Russia’s annexation of the Crimean peninsula was illegal. Cool right?

And then? Did Ban Ki-Moon rise up and demand the removal of Russian troops from Crimea? Nope. Did he send in UN Peacekeepers to undo the Russian incursion? Nope.

Why? Because it is a non-binding resolution. In essence it is the international relations equivalent of “tsk tsk tsk.” And even though I’m sure he is a nice guy, let’s face it, Ban ki-Moon is the Elmer Fudd of international diplomacy.

And this is the problem with the United Nations. Its heart is in the right place, but it has no balls. It’s too polite. It’s like the guy who shows up at a knife fight with a butter knife.

Getting anything done quickly via the UN is impossible. In comparison, you could get windburn on a retreating glacier.

And speaking of climate change. (Oh yeah, I went shopping at Segue’s ‘R Us today.)

If you are waiting for the UN Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) to resolve the global warming issue, I’d buy a hat and some sunscreen.

Every year these climate folks get together in fabulous places like Bangkok, Barcelona, Bonn and Rio de Janeiro and talk. That’s it. It makes herding cats look like the birthday celebration of Kim Il-sung in North Korea.

But I don’t blame the climate folks. Who in their right mind would NOT want to go to Rio and order room service at the Hilton. There is NO incentive to reach an agreement.

The UNFCC needs to take a lesson from the Bosnian War. You know how that ended? They took all the participants and stuck them on an air force base in Dayton, Ohio in November. And after 3 weeks, Slobodan Milošević, Franjo Tudman and Alija Izetbegović said, “We’ll sign anything, just get us the F%#K out of here!!!”

Incentive. That’s what’s missing in international diplomacy today.

So how do we incentivize the Russians to behave? Effective immediately suspend every single financial transaction in and out of Russia. When oligarchs can’t buy their mistresses the latest Louis Vuitton bag, Vladimir Putin will be the first to feel the heat. Because as the old saying goes… ‘money talks and bullshit walks.’

Also, check out the animated international political satire series World in Colour.

Russia to Build ‘Wall of Freedom’

Vladimir Putin, in a closed door speech to the Duma, announced that in keeping with his aim of bringing back the glories of the Soviet Union, would build the “Wall of Freedom” to keep out the corroding effects of western influence.

“The Iron Curtain is nothing compared to the Wall of Freedom. The new wall will once and for all keep out those foreign dogmas like democracy, financial transparency and judicial due process. All of which are antithetical to the ideals of the Russian people, who are us.”

The applause rang in the chambers.

“Effective immediately, I am bringing back, no, I am EMBRACING the basic Russian values of secrecy, gaming the system and privilege. And yes, the people WILL stand in line for bananas again!’

Deputies leapt to their feet with each new exhortation. Finally, someone was telling it like it was.

But Putin wasn’t done.

“Crimea is just the beginning. The Black Sea is ours. French beaches? Who cares? We don’t need the French Riviera. Soon you can spend your rubles from the Baltic Sea to the Great Wall of China!! We own this country. Remember cronyism? You ain’t seen nothing yet tavarich!!!

And again the deputies sprang to their feet.

“We have everything we need. Oil, gas and caviar!! We don’t need the western media. Russia Today is bought and paid for. You want propaganda? We invented the word!!!”

“So go out there and take what is yours. And don’t worry about getting caught. We own the judges and we own the courts.”

And with that, the cheering deputies hoisted Putin onto their shoulders and chanting “Magnitsky, Magnitsky, Magnitsky,” marched out into the Moscow night, to party like it was 1949 all over again.

And please visit the animated international satire series World in Colour.

Kiss My Sanctions

Details are slowly emerging from the after-party at last month’s St. Petersburg International Economic Forum, where executives of Exxon, BP of Britain and Total of France signed a raft of new oil exploration deals with Russian oil companies.

The party, according to one unnamed source who was present, was filled with good-natured joking and bawdy humor.

David Campbell, BP’s Russia chief and a British citizen, when asked after signing a $300 million “preliminary agreement” with Mr. Igor Sechin CEO of Rosneft and reportedly “The Soviet Union’s point man for weapons smuggling to much of Latin America and the Middle East” in the 1980’s, if he had any qualms about signing said, “Goodness no. I just lay back, closed my eyes and thought of England.”

Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex W. Tillerson, who was not present but checked in via Skype, got a huge laugh when Vladimir Putin asked him if the new exploration deal signed by Exxon-Mobil’s exploration chief, Neil W. Duffin would harm his personal relationship with President Barack Obama. Tillerson, according to those present, did a decent Michael Corleone impression and said, “It’s not personal, it’s business.”

Sources also said that Royal Dutch Shell’s chief executive, Ben van Beurden, also got a round of applause when, after kneeling patiently in a corner for an hour, flipped a caviar laden blini up off his nose and caught it with his mouth when Putin said, “OK, now.”

But reportedly the biggest laugh went to French oil company Total’s chief executive, Christophe de Margerie, who stood up, opened his trench coat to reveal him wearing a garter belt, fishnet stockings and stiletto heels and said, “My message to Russia is simple — it is business as usual.” Witnesses said that Vladimir Putin laughed so hard, vodka came out of his nose.

In the meantime, Sergei Magnitsky, is still dead.

Fox Creates Ebola Channel

Roger Ailes, president of the Fox News Channel, announced today that they will be creating a separate channel for all Ebola-related news.

When asked why he thought it was necessary to created an entire channel devoted exclusively to the Ebola crisis, Ailes said, “We want to get out in front of this issue. This is an excellent opportunity for us to do what we do best — misinform and create hysteria where there currently is none.”

He added that, “The Ebola crisis is here, it is not going away and we have legions of experts and journalists who know absolutely nothing about the disease and are ready to share what they don’t know with the American public, in detail.”

Reporters asked Ailes who would anchor the new channel and he smiled and said, “we’ll introduce them in the coming days, however one thing you can count on, is that they won’t be swayed by facts and medical science.”

Before ending the press conference, Ailes said, “Here is a scoop for you. We have been conducting an investigation and in the coming days, we will prove without a shadow of a doubt, that President Barack Obama is personally responsible for the Ebola crisis reaching American shores. He brought it back with him when he was in Africa last summer.”

Asked to provide proof, Ailes smiled and said, “Watch the channel.”

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