stand-up comedian, writer, actor and voice-over artist


Diplomatic Trash-talk Explained

For those of you paying attention to the situation in Ukraine and Crimea (and you should because sooner or later bullets WILL fly) you have probably been hearing a lot of the diplomats use what I call “diplo-speak” when talking to the press.

These carefully crafted phrases are wonderfully vague and non-specific. But really, it is not very different from little children dissing each other on the playground. Whereas children are much better at saying what they really mean, “diplo-speak” can have 50 shades of meaning. (pun intended)

So, herewith, “diplo-speak” defined.

“Russia is in violation of its international obligations.”

Are you kidding me??!! What kind of idiotic move was that??

“There are very serious repercussions that can flow out of this. There are a broad array of options that are available, not just to the United States but to our allies.”

We don’t know what those options are yet…but just you wait mister. And as soon as we can herd the various cats together we’ll figure out something. You bet we will.

“You just don’t in the 21st century behave in 19th-century fashion, by invading another country on a completely trumped up pretext.”

Only we can do that you copy cat

“Any sanctions imposed would not go unanswered.”

Money talks and bullshit walks.

“Hasty and ill considered steps.”

Awwwww….that’s just mean.

“We must not leave the Ukrainian people at the mercy of those Nazi bandits.”

Look Nazis!! Bad guys… thugs… with uniforms. Not like our guys… thugs without uniforms.

“Hasty sanctions would hit the US like a ‘boomerang’.”

I’m rubber you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

“Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi called on Saturday for calm and restraint in dealing with the crisis over Ukraine.”

Yo guys… this is bad for business

And check out the weekly international political satire series World in Colour.